Thanks, job!

When I got hired at my company, they had wonderful benefits.  The best that I'd ever heard of.  And then we got bought out, and things just went downhill.


Previously, you could roll over vacation time to the following year.  Since I've only used a few days this year, and only anticipate needing a few more (for my trip to Puerto Rico in case you don't follow my other blog!), I was really looking forward to rolling over a few more weeks for next year, in the event of maternity leave.  I went to ask our HR person about our maternity leave policies and flexibility.


Turns out, we can't roll any time over any more.  Use it or lose it.  Hope the company enjoys the entire staff being out the last month of our fiscal year, because that is ridiculous.  


Then, when I got hired, we got 66% of our pay for 13 weeks through short term disability.  That seemed pretty good to me, knowing that so many women out there get nothing.  The United State's maternity leave policies are appalling - leader of the free world, and one of the worst regarding maternity leave benefits?

I guess it could be worse - I could be saddled with Obamacare for my actual maternity health benefits as well.  Not to get political, I respect my president, but health care has a LONG way to come in this country, and we have an even longer way to come regarding mother's rights.  **stepping off my soapbox now**


Anyway, I also asked our HR representative about our Short Term Disability benefits, and she told me that they changed.  For the better!  Instead of Short Term Disability, we now have Serious Illness benefits!  Whatever the name, I was eager to find out what could be better than 13 weeks being paid 66% of my salary.


Wait for it...wait for it...12 weeks paid 50% of my salary!!  Yeah.  Granted, the HR rep mistakenly thought I was with the company for longer than I have been, in which case it would be 75% paid (which IS better - but doesn't help me now).


So I guess if I fail at reproducing for another 4 months, then I'd get the extra pay. At the rate I'm going, I guess we would call that a silver lining?  I'd rather just have a baby.

26 going on 12.

I just went to connect to the internet, and I couldn't find our old network name.  I called down to Tyler to find out if it was broken, and he informed me that he changed the name.


See if you can guess which one is ours now.  Hint:  I'm connected to it.  Doubt the neighbors are as amused as Tyler is...

Day 3 Bloodwork

When I got my day 21 blood drawn, it was terrible.  But, I was able to walk in and out and get back to my office in 20 minutes.


Today, when I went to get day 3 drawn, it was even worse.  When I walked in, there were 6 other people in the waiting room.  With only one phlebotomist working (the same as last time), it felt like it took 8 years.  And then she wanted to know why I was back so soon.


"Uh, well, I'm trying to have a baby."
A baby?!  You are a baby.  You don't need to be havin' no babies.


What I wanted to say?  "fuck you".  Because I was so annoyed by her response, I couldn't even come up with anything remotely witty.  Instead, I put my head down and managed to mumble something about thanking her for her advice.  I hate when ignorant people get in my head.  She had no right to make me feel self-conscious about this.  I've been in a relationship with my husband for over 10 years.  We are surrounded by amazing and supportive friends, great extended family members, and belong to an amazing church.  We're financially secure, and are happy, healthy, mature, responsible, flexible, creative, and fun.  We will be fantastic parents.


Besides, according to my OB/GYN, I'm already past my child-bearing prime, so who is this person telling me that 27 is too young to have a child?  It just makes me fume.  


And then on the way back to work, I got hit by another car, and was late for a meeting at work that they had to reschedule for me.  Nothing seems to go right lately.  God bless having a husband that puts up with my and my cranky moods lately.

Pelvic Ultrasound

This was ALL sorts of fun.  I had this scheduled for the evening, but I had plans to meet up with a friend and I found a desk on Craigslist I wanted, so I finally gave my body a little "eff you" and rearranged the doctor appointment to better suit my schedule.  Something I need to do more often.  (Prior to my review before clicking "Publish Post", this said 'Something I need to do more of.'  You know whats worse than a sentence ending in a preposition?  Finding that I was the one who made the mistake.  Oh, the horror!)

I got to wake up at 6am (I'm not a morning person).  Then, I got to drink three bottles of water (I hate water).

I arrive with a full bladder, as instructed.  According to the tech, you need to have a full bladder in order for it to act as a window when they are doing the ultrasound.  Considering that we saw the bladder, and it was off to the side and out of the way, I'm dying to know what sort of "windows" this tech has in her house.

THEN...they sit there for 15 minutes jamming the wand in your belly to get better pictures.  In between prayers for a healthy body and patience and saying thanks for my many blessings, my bladder kept expanding and my mental hail Marys turned to "Hail Mary, mother of ....PEE.  Blessed art thou...PEE.  I have to PEE."  

Finally, she got everything that she needed, and I was instructed to empty my bladder fully, and to take my time doing so, to ensure complete emptiness.  At the time, I found the additional instructions a tad condescending - why yes, I do know what empty means, and I know how to do that.  Apparently not.  Throughout the procedure, you could actually see my bladder expanding to the point where it was full again by the time she was done.  I meekly confessed to an infantile bladder, and rushed off to empty it again.  By 9am I had peed five times.

During the vaginal ultrasound they insert a rod of sorts and take better pictures internally.  This was not nearly as uncomfortable as I expected, and certainly preferable to a Pap Smear or other internal exam.  

When I was in highschool, I tore my hip flexor and had to get an ultrasound.  At the time, they discovered that one of my ovaries was much smaller than the other, and deformed.  But I was particularly curious to see the ovaries while they were on the screen.  I asked the tech how large an ovary is, and she held out her thumb and pointer finger to show me.  "Oh!" I said.  "About the size of a lime!"  She then shortened her finger span and said that they are probably more like kumquats.

Do you know what a kumquat looks like?  I didn't.  How did people survive before Google Image Search?

In case you were curious, I just spent the last thirty minutes googling kumquat recipes.  Apparently they are out of season, but come November I am SO making a kumquat tart.

SO - yes, ovaries.  I always thought they were the size of a walnut.  My friend thought they were more like a fingernail.  So in case you were curious...now you know.

This part of the ultrasound took much longer, as she took quite a few pictures and measurements.  At several  points they looked at my blood flow, and you could hear it WHOOSH WHOOSH WHOOSH.  It sounded like the baby heart beats you hear on ultrasounds in the movies.  It was so easy to close my eyes and pretend for a minute thats what it was.  I just had to ignore the empty uterus.

As a note, for those who find this blog more for information regarding the infertility process, and less because you know me and want to follow me on this journey, the fact that I was on my period for this really wasn't as bad as I feared.  In fact, she probably would have never known if I hadn't told her.  The lighting was dim, and the rod for the internal ultrasound had a condom-y wrapper on it that she pulled off when done, and it was so covered in lubricant and gel that it would have been difficult to even identify menstrual fluid.

I'm off to google more kumquat recipes.

Scheduling the HSG

So since yesterday marked the start of my cycle again, I was tasked with promptly calling the hospital to inform them that my cycle had started, and I needed to schedule my HSG test.  


The HSG test takes place between days 5 and 10 of my cycle.  Of course, they don't have any available appointments between days 5 and 10, so I'm forced to make an appointment for day 11.  The nurse told me that it wasn't ideal, but "should be okay".  I dislike her choice of words, but hey!  Its only time off work, more money out of my pocket, and one more month that I don't get to hold a baby in my arms if we have to do it again!


I am not exactly excited about this test, but I felt very efficient scheduling yet another procedure that gets me one step closer to the end result.  Until they informed me that starting immediately, I can't have sex until after the procedure.  In eleven days.


Don't get me wrong, Husband and I aren't sex fiends.  We have been doin' the deed together for over 10 years, and we are perfectly content to let a few days pass sans coitus.


But Monday will be our two year anniversary, and it sure would have been nice to celebrate that accomplishment intimately this weekend.


Infertility is running my life.  I missed my best friend's dinner celebrating her Masters degree.  I had to cancel dinner plans with another dear friend.  I'm rearranging meetings at work like whoa.  Thank god for all of these wonderful people that understand.  


It still sucks, though.

Cycle Day 1

And, so we start all over again.  My cycle has made an ugly appearance for yet another month.  This time, though, it arrived after only 22 days, which is very unusual for me.  I blame stress, and my doctor agreed - stress at work, stress over doctor's visits, stress over money...trust me, there is no shortage of things for me to anxiously worry about.


I called the hospital to cancel my Pelvic Ultrasound for tomorrow, and they assured me that wasn't necessary.  "Not necessary?"  I repeated.  "But I'm  BLEEDING."  


Apparently they deal with this all the time.  I was welcome to reschedule if I were uncomfortable, but it doesn't bother them.  While I am incredibly uncomfortable at the idea of both hands and objects inserted up my bloody vaginal canal, I decided to go through with the appointment.  The sooner we get a look-sie, the sooner we might figure out what is wrong with me.  I packed baby wipes in my purse for tomorrow in an attempt to be as fresh as possible, given the circumstances.


Just another item in the "things I never dreamed I'd do" list...

Bad progesterone

I am amazed at how quickly the test results come back.  The doctor called me this morning to tell me that she received my results from my lab work yesterday, and that the progesterone levels are very, very low.


So there you have it, my progesterone sucks.  And I don't even know what progesterone is.


Note to self - ask doctor the following questions:

• What is progesterone exactly?
• What was my level?
• What are the ranges for excellent/normal/bad/sucks?
• Is there something I can do to help make them higher?

Next time, I'll hire a vampire

I don't deal well with having blood taken.  Granted, I've never met anyone who is all "I love being stuck with needles and drained of essential body fluid!" but I really REALLY hate blood being drawn.


Today, I had to go get my progesterone checked on my lunch break.  I made an appointment, and showed up promptly.  Then sat in a deserted waiting room for 12 minutes, that hasn't been updated since 1974, and smelled like piss.


A woman finally walks out and snaps at me, "You need to sign in!"


I did, bitch.  Twelve minutes ago.  


Then she asks for my lab work, insurance card, and Driver's License.  These three things are in my hand, and I give them to her immediately.  She seemed so surprised by my efficiency, she almost seemed angry by it.  Yes, I read signs well.  There are no less than 5 telling me what to do after signing in on the registration form.


The actual blood taking sucked.  I hate the rubber band they tie around my arm, and I hate the feeling of the needle just sitting in my vein.  I would be the worst junkie ever.  I closed my eyes and prayed to God that I wouldn't pass out, because I seriously doubt they actually tiled with black grout.  It had to have just been that filthy dirty.  


I survived the lab work, my arm ached only minimally, and I survived the rest of my work day.  Then, when I got home at 7, Husband and I started our P90X workout for the night - Chest and Arms, aka, pull ups, chin ups, and push ups, oh my!  I made it through the first round okay, but by the end, I could not do even one push up, my blood giving elbow kept collapsing under me in shooting pain.  I'm assuming it was too much for the day.  Then I negated the entire workout by having a beer and feeling sorry for myself the rest of the night.


Baby steps.

Pregnant Women are Smug

So, today was my first consult with the doctors in regards to trying to conceive.  It was also the first time I'd been labeled as "infertile".  Its an ugly word, isolating and humiliating.

It was an early appointment, and so everyone was quiet, and could hear the receptionist talking on the phone to someone, probably in the back, about insurance information for the infertility consult.  At which point, she covers the phone with her hand, calls me over, asks for my information again, and then continues the conversation.  I walked back to my seat, feeling so incredibly inadequate.  I am sure that most weren't paying attention, or didn't hear.  And maybe if they did, they sympathized, having struggled themselves.  But I just felt like I was being pitied by the others.  Like my ovaries just weren't even good enough to be sitting in the same room as all these people that obviously have been able to do what I can't.  Have you ever seen the YouTube video "Pregnant Women are Smug"?

The first time I saw it, I thought it was funny, but the tune immediately popped in my head, and a little less kindly.

So, I finally got a chance to go back and meet with the doctor, and we talked about my history, and our plan moving forward.  They suspect that I am not ovulating.  Good times.  They are also looking into thyroid issues, as well as a physical issue I have with my ovaries.

So, the plan is:

• Lab work done this coming Monday, my cycle day 21
• Husband must get a semen analysis
• A pelvic exam and internal ultrasound next week
• Lab work done on my cycle day 3 (third day after I get my period)
• An HSG test (where they inject dye, and ensure that there is no blockage) (5th day after I get my period)

And then, they want to pretty much immediately start me on Clomid, which is an ovarian simulation drug.  That would start also on the 5th day of my period.  There are some side effects with Clomid, everything from cyst formation and weight gain, to a much higher chance of conceiving multiples/twins (about ten times more likely than a normal birth) and increased risk of ovarian cancer.  

My insurance does not cover barely any of this.  The exams are a copay, and thats it.  My prescriptions are not even covered, and I go to pick them up today, so I really pray they are reasonable.  I'm being put on some antibiotics in anticipation of the HSG, as well as a higher dose of folic acid.  I believe she also sent the script for Clomid, but I do not plan to fill it.

It is very likely that this journey will end after my pelvic exam, and possibly the HSG test.  I want to ensure that there aren't any health risks to me that I should take care of (ie, cysts) but I'm A) not comfortable spending tens of thousands of dollars on treatments that *might* work.  I'm not a gambler, I'd rather save that money for adoption.  And B), I still don't morally agree with reproductive assistance.  Ironic words from a couple that desperately wants a child, but I do believe that both Clomid and IVF, IUIs, etc, would all infringe on whatever plan God has for Husband and I. And that if we are healthy, then we need to trust that He has greater things in store for us...as we interpret that, adoption.

This is something that I don't really want to talk about in person, because I feel awkward bringing it up, and because its hard to deal with different reactions from people.  Everyone means well.  I know they all love me, and want me to be happy.  But then they open their mouths, and the most idiotic things come out.  Such as:

“It’ll happen soon, I just know it!”

You’re psychic now?!

“God is just waiting to give you babies until I have mine too so they grow up together.”

This friend is not married yet, and not TTC.  

“Just stop trying, and then it will happen.”

I’m pretty sure that if I stop trying, it’ll NEVER happen.

“Oh, I know exactly what you are going through.  It took me 6 months to get pregnant with my third child.”

Yes, of course you know what I’m going through, struggling with the desire for a family for years when you have three children.  Stop talking.

“You should adopt now!  Everyone I know that adopts a baby gets pregnant immediately after.”

Okay really, stop talking.  

“You’re young, you don’t really want to have kids until after you’re 30.”

Thank you for telling me want I want!  I don't know what I'd do without you there to read my mind for me.

(While holding a screaming infant) “You are so lucky you don’t have kids, this is so much work!”

SHITPISSFUCK, stop talking.

I am still wrapping my head around everything, and its very emotional.  I don't want to be told "It'll all work out!" because well, it might not.  And I need to come to peace with that.  I just wish more friends could shut up, say they’re here to listen to me, let me know they’re thinking of me/praying for me, and then start talking about Lindsay Lohan or the Bachelorette…

Introduction

I've been blogging at another blog for over two years - and while the odds are high you found this blog because of that one, feel free to check it out as well.  


I started this new blog because I didn't feel comfortable talking there about my struggles with trying to conceive. Its a personal issue, and I don't think its necessary for my co-workers, in laws and neighbors to know all about my cervical mucous and menses ;)


I have one role model in my life that struggled with infertility, and it resulted in two beautiful children.  However, its amazing that something that affects so many women is something that has made me feel so ashamed and inadequate.  Look at these rates of infertility for the following age groups:

• 7% in women ages 20 to 24
• 9% in women ages 25 to 29
• 15% in women ages 30 to 34
• 22% in women ages 35 to 39
• 29% in women ages 40 to 44

9% of women my age face this, and yet I still feel incredibly isolated on my journey.  I found a few blogs that really made me feel like less of a freak, and I hope that I can help someone else in return that may be going through this as well.  

And as a warning...I promise, I will be open and honest to the point of WAY too much information!

Egyptian Hummus appetizers

I started telling you here about the baby shower that I "catered" for my neighbor and friend.  Each dish was planned specifically for a country that held special meaning for the couple.  


I already showed you the sweet Georgia Peach Pies:

So now I'll show you a few other countries and dishes that were super easy to make, and look great as well!


The biggest challenge here was to attempt to be as authentic as possible, while still appealing to a group of women that may not be as familiar or adventurous with new foods.  First up, Egypt.  While many countries seem to claim hummus, I kept finding links to Egypt, so it fit perfectly!

I made two types - red pepper hummus served on cucumber slices, and traditional garlic hummus served in roasted baby bella mushroom caps.

For the red pepper on cucumber slices, I just scooped some of the hummus into a pastry bag fitted with a decorative tip, and piped the hummus onto the slices.  I really loved the spicy flavor with the cool crisp cucumber!  I will definitely remember this one for future parties.

For the traditional garlic, I washed the mushroom caps and removed the stems, and then piped the hummus into the center.  I sprinkled them with a dash of paprika, and then baked them at 400* for about 8 minutes.

SUPER easy to make, and they look so cute!


I also had tons of extras, so I set up a platter with pieces of pita bread, and both the red pepper and garlic hummus dips:

Yum!

Mini Georgia Peach Pies

Things I love:


My husband.
DuWop Lip Venom lip gloss.
Pie.  


But then again, who doesn't love pie?!  I also love mini things.   Mini cheesecakes,  miniskirts, minnie mouse ;)  Everything is cuter when its miniature.  Like these pies:

My next door neighbor asked me to make all of the food for an international themed baby shower she threw. The couple had ties to several places across the world, one of which was Georgia.  Mini Peach pies were the perfect choice to represent this sweet state!


First, I used store bought pie dough.  There are lots of great recipes out there, but I hadn't made it before, and was already trying enough new recipes, I knew I could count on Pillsbury to help me out.  I used a biscuit cutter to cut out 24 circles.

And then once I completely Crisco and Flour-ed my 24 mini-muffin tin, I pressed the circles into each cup.

After all of the cups were full of their bottom crust...

I spooned in the peach pie filling, and then made Lattice tops.

I don't think there is anything sweeter than a pie with a lattice top.  And they are so easy to do!

I then brushed the tops with eggwash, and baked for 25 minutes at 350*.


Peach Pie Filling Recipe:
Umm, I don't have one.  I took canned peaches, and did a mixture of sugar, brown sugar, nutmeg, cinnamon, butter and flour, and added everything to a food processor to make a puree.  Since these pies were so small, I knew I couldn't have large chunks of peaches.  You could also buy canned peach pie filling and blend that down.


Hello, lovelies!

I served them room temperature, with powdered sugar dusted on top.

Back to Blonde

Hi, my name is Kelly, and I'm addicted to hair color.  I am constantly going from blonde to brunette to light blonde to red...its so much fun!  I love changing things up and trying something new, knowing that it can always be fixed  :)


Soo, I decided to go super light for summer:

Interestingly enough...my outfit is awfully similar to when I showed you that I went brunette last January.  I promise, I didn't do that on purpose!

Do you tend to go lighter for summer?